Test yourself

Wandering around the internet and stumbled on this site. http://www.goldinuniverse.com/default.asp

Totally cool, here's what it said about me:



You are under considerable stress and you are almost about to 'blow your top' but you are fortunate enough to be able to exert control. Control is the name of the game and it is so good to realise that whatever the situation may be a this time - it will pass. You need to get away from everything for a while and if you do, you will find that, strangely enough, it will seem that most of your problems and situations will seem to wash away, just as the sea may wash away 'footprints' in the sand.


You are looking for excitement and stimulation and you are ready to try anything - but be careful not to take too many risks.


You are very demanding - and insisting on total involvement but you do not reciprocate with the same depth of feeling. However, it could well be that maybe an unprecedented surprise is awaiting you in the near future. For just as one whilst paddling in the sea, could flounder into a whirlpool, so you may be drawn into a loving situation that has high emotional demands - and you could well respond with a depth of emotion that you never even dreamed that you possessed.


Matters have not gone well for you. You are experiencing severe stress trying to guard yourself from further disappointments. It would seem that all of your hopes and dreams have not been realised and you are now beginning to doubt yourself. You no longer wish to be further advised by anyone and you insist on going it alone - to control your own destiny. Even though deep down you doubt whether things will get better in the future you have one consolation - and that is that they couldn't possibly get worse. Unwilling to give up anything that you possess, you are looking for some sort of security as a protection against any further setback or loss of position and prestige. You are so negative that you tend to exaggerate your problems and refuse to accept any advice from so called well-meaning friends.


Disappointment and the fear that there is no point in formulating fresh goals have led to anxiety and you are distressed by the lack of any close and understanding relationships. You feel you are not appreciated by those who matter to you. You are attempting to escape into a world on which you can relax and feel at ease.



Pretty much how I felt at the moment. I'll go back later in a few days and check it out again, see if I "improved."

Circle Circle Dot Dot

In life there are certainties. Things like Ben and Jerry's Phish Food is the best ice cream in the world. EA Sports NCAA Football is the best video game series ever. And I quite possibly rock the most awesome high and tight ever seen in the ICU. Since reliving the epic basketball career of my junior high school for the last two nights, I've also returned to another classic pass time I used to do during junior high. Dotting faces.

For the uninitiated, getting dotted in basketball terms means that someone shoots a jumper over a defender's outstretched arms, said defender just got "dotted." And since you are a loyal reader, you obviously immediately recall that my J is wetter than Billy Madison on a field trip, and have dotted more people than a herpes outbreak.

But since:
1. I'm working nights and have a whole new set of people to annoy/antagonize/terrorize.
2. I have a limited attention span and require almost constant supervision.
3. I have more free time than is legally allowable in a critical care setting.
I've decided to re institute the "dotting" aspect of junior high and bring it up to speed. Since I can't enthrall the rest of the hospital with my silk smooth J, I can in fact regale them with my mad IV skills.

Now, ICU generally has the more critical patients, requiring constant care, observation and attention. Since I work in an ICU that can be paralleled to a Nickelodeon show, this usually isn't the case, but we are requested on a regular basis to go to another ward to attempt an IV stick on "a difficult patient." Since this means I get some fresh air and am allowed to roam unsupervised until tracked down, I usually volunteer. This is where "dotting" comes into play. To "dot" someone means that they failed to get an IV, called the bullpen (my sport reference to ICU), and I successfully start the IV. And since I'm rocking a 117% success rate (wrap your mind around that), it's starting to look like a measles farm around here.

To add insult to injury (and who doesn't like to do that?), I instituted some rules to make it an official dotting.
1) The previous nurse has to have made an attempt to start the IV.
2) The "dot" must occur in front of that nurse, or staff of that ward.
3) I must let the nurse know after he/she gets "dotted" that I only practice nursing for maybe 30 seconds a day. Maybe.

So far I've dotted 4 out of 5 wards in a two night span, with 4West being dotted a ridiculous 4 times. The last time I started an IV up there was for the same nurse I dotted the night before. I dotted him so hard that the guy no longer knew how to use the Euler Method to approximate curvatures in a line segment when he got back up.

If you don't see our favorite ward on there (I'm looking at you 5 East) it's because they're a psyche ward and frown on IV usage there. So I'm looking at a 100% success rate with an asterisk. Not too shabby.

Dropping J's Like It's Hot

One of my greatest pleasures in life is getting on peoples nerves. It doesn't matter who it is, my boss, the person sitting next to me, that dude with the lazy eye who gives me my morning coffee at McDonalds, I'll invariably do/say/provoke something entirely inappropriate to make the situation 100% awkward. For them.

Case in point. If you're a faithful reader (and if you aren't, then why not?), then you know that I've been working the night shift for the past few days. Now normally you'd be concerned. Is The Kid getting enough sleep? Are his biorhythms in check? Do we need to alert any authorities? To put you at ease: yes, yes, and not yet.

You see, I have 4 other people working with me, with the occasional worker bee that comes in to draw blood or suction lung butter out of my ventilated dude, to provoke. And my weapon of provocation (what?) lately has telling long winded stories about my junior high basketball career.

Long story short, I was the tallest kid in my junior high class, listed at 5'10" but played like I was 5'11". I had more armpit hair than the rest of the junior high combined. I was an adolescent freak of nature who couldn't play basketball to save his life. But don't let that fool you. I shattered dreams, I shattered records, and when it was all said and done I shattered the ladies hearts.

I think I played, in my two year junior high basketball career, a total of 1 minute and 13 seconds. But I can milk that 73 seconds for all it's worth, making every deft pass an ESPN hi lite, every 3 point shot made (all 2 of them) a dagger in the heart of the opposition, every vicious bone crushing screen a statement of my white awesomeness. Case in point, I have spent over 3 hours following one of the nurses around telling him over and over again about my ridiculous jump shot. Granted, although both of my jump shots that I made in junior high were pretty much from NBA range, they were honestly desperation shots since everyone else on the team was covered and I didn't know how to dribble. One shot (which was nothing but net thank you very much) I literally heard an elderly woman in the stands say "That kid has the wettest J on the team!" The man was flexing his muscles and the fans liked what they saw. I could bring the rain.

How do I get 3 hours out of that? Very carefully, and with exacting detail. I figure I'm about 17 minutes away from getting a restraining order put against me.

Soccer scrimmage, and rubbing elbows with celebrities

Some of you might not know that I live in Oklahoma, and the first thing you think of when you hear Oklahoma is probably "bad dental plans," followed closely by "mullets." You're right on both accounts, but what I was really looking for was "rednecks with mad soccer skills." Nice try, thanks for playing!

I have 2 boys playing soccer this year, and when I say they're playing soccer, I mean they're being coached like the kids are defending the World Cup against Brazilian soccer cyborgs. I mean seriously, the kids are 4 and 7 and they're running practices close to 2 hours in length! Anyway, since I'm the prototypical ex-jock dad (read that as never played soccer and don't understand why there's so much running) I tend to get easily distracted at the practices. And that's how I got to meet Nickelodean celebrities Drake and Josh. Kinda.

I spent a majority of the scrimmage talking to two 8 year old kids who told me their names were "Drake and Josh." I called shenanigans on this. The kid who said his name was Josh then decided to claim that his name was "Gake" and I again called shenanigans. I was finally informed his name was "Jake" and since I rarely call shenanigans more than twice a day, I decided to let it slide. So Drake and Jake explained to me that the funniest thing ever would be to put a Sweet Tart in my water bottle. I told them the funniest thing ever could probably be found on YouTube. Jake then promptly ran onto the field, grabbed the soccer ball that was in play, kicked it into the water filled ditch and ran off with Drake. I assume that this kid is on the fast track to a life of breaking girls' hearts and eventually being arrested for fraud and embezzlement. Anyway, Drake and Jake were some pretty cool dudes who provided me with some quality entertainment, because let's be honest, seeing some of the best amateur athletes in the eastern Oklahoma area can get pretty boring.

Night Shift

Disregarding my occasionally infamous golf course outbursts, I have the kind of demeanor that would make historians describe me as “stoic” if I were a war general or the quarterback for the Steelers in the 1970s. For the most part, there really isn’t a whole lot in the world that gets me upset. All that changes when I work nights.

There are a few good things about working nights. The bosses aren't here, so anarchy rules. I have free reign of the break room fridge (no name means fair game when it comes to left overs), and I can pretty much camp out in the only room with a patient on a vent and have a marathon infomercial viewing session.

The parts that chap my ass include the sleep deprivation, the soul crushing boredom that hits at 2 in the morning, and the fact that all the good websites are blocked by the firewall. WTF? If it wasn't for the fact that I'm as tough as a ten penny nail I'd probably be reduced to a shell of a person, but here I am, in all my glory, keeping my one loyal follower happy. You are happy, aren't you?

Chuck is the Man!

Chuck Norris is the MAN, and if you don't believe me, just take a peep at these nationally recognized facts:

If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris' computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

Apple Pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.

Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip.

Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of suprise.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Dudes Explained

Yeah, that's pretty much us.

Rules of Conflict

The Rules of Conflict, according to the various American forces...

US Army Rules

1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a "4."
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot...

Navy SEAL's Rules

1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Adjust speedo.
4. Check hair in mirror.

US Army Rangers Rules

1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.

Marine Corps Rules

1. Curse bitterly when receiving operational order.
2. Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee.
3. Curse bitterly.
4. Curse bitterly
5. Do not listen to 2nd Lieutenants, it can get you killed.
6. Curse bitterly!

US Air Force Rules

1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Ask "what is a gunfight?"
5. Request more funding from Congress with a "killer" Power Point presentation.
6. Wine & dine 'key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets "strategic" and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 13:45 tee time.
10. Make sure the base is as far as possible from the conflict but close enough to have tax exemption.

US Navy Rules

1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Deploy Marines

And Now You Know

Today, I realized the word bed actually looks like a bed.